View Full Version : Schwyn's Creation Corner?...... or shit storm

06-17-2016, 09:26 AM
Here is the prologue to a story that im pulling out of my ass. Please correct me on any errors or things that could be improved. I can take constructive criticism. I mean i play KC so i'm pretty use to the punishment.

Title TBD

Deleted original prologue cause it sucks.
This will undergo many changes in the near future.

Observer 39
06-17-2016, 10:00 AM
And what a start. Nitpicks that I can see are:

"the he" in the second line should be "though he".
The "He thought" parts don't need to be capitalized.
"Quickly coming too" should be " Quickly coming to".
"Giving squeeze" should be "Giving a squeeze"?

Other than that, looks pretty good. Poor guy getting a cliche anime/manga meeting (complete with lampshade hang) with first girl, though. :hayashimo_wat:

06-17-2016, 10:02 AM
The whole "option one its a dream, option 2 i've traveled to another world etc" part seems a bit wooden, maybe having him pinch himself to find out if its a dream and then just think something along the lines of "where the hell am I?" would have sufficed. You could have the character trying to figure out where they are, or what year it is if its time travel, as the first part of the story because it seems like a really unnatural reaction to just being teleported somewhere. Would seem more natural to have them thinking wtf and then try to figure out what happened than go straight into trying to figure it out. Apart from that, interesting setup so far. Good luck :D

Unless you are going for a character that doesnt get phased easily/at all, in which case ignore my whole post :P

06-17-2016, 05:52 PM
Observer 39 well grammar will always be my downfall.

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Penguinmafia idk how im going to have him progress yet. I might make alteration to this prologue. But lets say anime/manga tropes have less affect on him