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  1. #1
    Admiral Schwyn's Avatar
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    Post Schwyn's Creation Corner?...... or shit storm

    Here is the prologue to a story that im pulling out of my ass. Please correct me on any errors or things that could be improved. I can take constructive criticism. I mean i play KC so i'm pretty use to the punishment.



    Title TBD



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Deleted original prologue cause it sucks.
    This will undergo many changes in the near future.


    Last edited by Schwyn; 03-12-2017 at 06:37 AM. Reason: Deleted stuffs
    10 Promises to Keep

    Ryuujou Married 10/11/15 12:40am EST
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    I am writing something here Updated (03/12/17)

  2. #2
    Marshal Admiral Observer 39's Avatar
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    And what a start. Nitpicks that I can see are:

    "the he" in the second line should be "though he".
    The "He thought" parts don't need to be capitalized.
    "Quickly coming too" should be " Quickly coming to".
    "Giving squeeze" should be "Giving a squeeze"?

    Other than that, looks pretty good. Poor guy getting a cliche anime/manga meeting (complete with lampshade hang) with first girl, though.



    "Look around you and ask yourself: Has the battle been won, or lost?"
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  3. #3
    Admiral Penguinmafia's Avatar
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    The whole "option one its a dream, option 2 i've traveled to another world etc" part seems a bit wooden, maybe having him pinch himself to find out if its a dream and then just think something along the lines of "where the hell am I?" would have sufficed. You could have the character trying to figure out where they are, or what year it is if its time travel, as the first part of the story because it seems like a really unnatural reaction to just being teleported somewhere. Would seem more natural to have them thinking wtf and then try to figure out what happened than go straight into trying to figure it out. Apart from that, interesting setup so far. Good luck :D

    Unless you are going for a character that doesnt get phased easily/at all, in which case ignore my whole post :P


    Last edited by Penguinmafia; 06-17-2016 at 05:05 PM.
    married suzuya on her birthday : 20/11/15
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  4. #4
    Admiral Schwyn's Avatar
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    @Observer 39 well grammar will always be my downfall.

    - - - Updated - - -
    @Penguinmafia idk how im going to have him progress yet. I might make alteration to this prologue. But lets say anime/manga tropes have less affect on him


    10 Promises to Keep

    Ryuujou Married 10/11/15 12:40am EST
    Twitch Offline
    I am writing something here Updated (03/12/17)

 

 

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